Updates/Jokes
Laughter is the Music of the Heart
»Church Money
A priest, minister, and a rabbi were standing around a large
circle with all of their churches money. They just couldn't
decide how much to give to God and how much to spend.
The priest suggested that they throw it all up in the air
and whatever lands inside the circle they give to God.
"No, no, no" said the minister "we should throw it all up
in the air and whatever lands outside the circle we will
give to God."
"You both are wrong," stated the rabbi. "We should throw
it all up in the air and whatever God wants he will keep."
»Church for this drunk
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
»Email from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going
on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are
not."
He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get
another opinion."
When that angel returned, she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to
encourage them.... give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what
that E-mail said....... ?
You didn't get one,did you?
»Says for sales
A little boy that sells table water says buy your table water and nobody came to buy, he said "Jesus is the Spring of Water", and he got all the table water sold.
Another boy comes to sell bread and after a while when no one came to buy he said,"Jesus is the bread of life" and he got all his bread sold.
Then came third boy to sale yam, buy yam, several times he said and nobody came to buy after a long while,he suddenly said, buy yam cos God is the "i yam that i yam ..."
»A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would
cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said 'ship her home'. Shocked, the undertaker asked 'but sir,
why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?' The husband replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later,
he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !'
»When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. The woman respond, "Only the Ten Commandments".
»WHO DO YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS?
Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday. They agreed it’s so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one preaches to them.
Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks, one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others. He said: “guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other with our weaknesses”.
They all agreed to this. This pastor said: “Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I take a big chunk. I can’t stop stealing from the church please pray for me. The day they will find out I will be fired”!
The other pastor said: “brothers your sins are better than mine! I have slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!”
The last pastor’s feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he had a big story to tell. He stood up and said: “My brothers my problem is gossip, there is nothing I hear that I don’t tell everyone! In fact I can’t sit anymore. I have to share this with the congregation! I will be back!
»The Real Go’damn Church
A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, ‘I would like to join this damn church.The astonished woman replies, ‘I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?’
‘Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this ga’damn church!’
‘I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.’
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. In fact, he was furious!
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, ‘Sir, what seems to be the problem here?’
There is no damn problem,’ the man says. ‘I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this go’damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.
‘I see…you’re real damn right’ said the pastor. ‘And I damn hope, this ga’damn bitch is not giving you a hard time?’
for more info: CLICK HERE |